A Girl Called Melancholy

Self-development

17 Jul

Written By Quinn

Cheeky Ingelosi, a.k.a Janelia Mould, is a talented self-taught conceptual photographer and digital artist from South Africa. When I first came across Janelia’s work, I felt no hesitation in my desire to explore her images more meaningfully. The pictures chosen for this post are a part of a series that looks at her personal experience with mental health issues, particularly depression. Because this series of work is so directed, I took the unusual step of contacting her beforehand. I offered her the opportunity to read the post before it was finished in case there was anything she wanted to say or add.

Thankfully, she only said nice things and mentioned she’d been able to gain more insight. Whilst these images talk about aspects of depression, I didn’t find them depressing. All quotes given here accompanied the original image postings on Facebook.

{ITS COMPLICATED}

“From the outside looking in, it’s hard to understand. From the inside looking out, it’s hard to explain.” - Unknown

We have a bunch of dried but dead flowers standing on what looks to be an old rusty can. The female figure wears a modest white nightie. Her left arm and most of the upper body are missing, and she is hung on a coat rack with a hanger. One shoe on and one off; the left is discarded on the floor. Are the dead flowers a sign of an aspect of life which has died? Does the single shoe-clad foot tell us there is at least a small part still capable of walking forward? The right hand could easily take the hanger off the hook; does this suggest a possibility of self-help? Does she need to take herself off the hook? Is there an element of experiencing either guilt or shame here? Does the sleepwear suggest a desire to rest? Over-sleeping or the overwhelming desire to sleep is a well-known indicator of depression: but does the shoe represent an awareness or acknowledgement of the desire to get back out there? Or is the shoe the clue which tells us there is guilt around not being able to get out and about and participate in the world? The land of woo says the left side of the body is frequently referred to as the feminine side, and the right rules the masculine. If we take that into account, this image says the issue is with the feminine side of the personality. Taking a leap of faith into the realm of possibility, does this suggest an underlying issue with the female identity? Does identification with this image point to a problem with uncertainty regarding one’s role or image as a woman? I’m wondering if there is any fuel left in the red can. Red symbolises blood and indicates life force, which is potentially a good sign. Symbolically, the can shows the ability to store extra energy, which can be used if regular supplies run out.

{WITHERING AWAY}

“Its feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. Then one day you realize what you lost is yourself.” - Unknown

We have the same foot in a shoe, and the other is in a suitcase. Old photographs are laid to the side, and a black cat sits on the grass. The torso and head are missing; is there a reference here to a lack of feeling? Is the majority of her being elsewhere somewhere, perhaps, that her mind has taken her? Is the suitcase an acknowledgement of being on a journey? I find it interesting that the missing shoe is actually in the suitcase. This could suggest a certain amount of conscious awareness that it is only a part of the person who has gone off on a jaunt somewhere. Bearing in mind this series is a deliberate attempt to understand and express a difficult time in life, I would suggest a knowingness on the part of the photographer that a split has occurred. This could be an essential clue to the perspective held. It’s the difference between knowing the self is made up of many different aspects rather than over-identifying with only one aspect and ignoring the complexity of character. The black cat is traditionally a symbol of intuition; its presence in the image suggests access to instincts. A sensitive nature, perhaps, or maybe that information is being picked up intuitively. The old photographs are suggestive not just of memory but of history. I suppose the question here is, are your memories helping or hindering your recovery of self?

{UNINHABITED}

“Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love.” -r.m. drake

In an earlier post about Rapunzel, I wrote about hair, yet she isn’t sitting in any kind of tower in this image. It’s a little bizarre because the head is missing, yet she holds the hair in her right hand. Again, there is a subtle drawing of attention to the left and right. The scissors are on her left; is this a reference to the feminine side cutting away the masculine? If hair is said to represent our strength and status, Maybe there’s a more straightforward explanation, and the photographer herself is left-handed. Either way, the suggestion is a cutting away of strength. The tidy plait would suggest attention has been given to appearance, yet that’s the bit that has been cut off. Does the absence of footwear indicate an inability or lack of desire to walk among the ‘regular people’ of society? Or maybe it’s a feeling of wanting to be closer to nature or a simpler way of living? Being out in natural surroundings can certainly be grounding, and it’s frequently recommended as a tool for healing if you’re spaced out and feeling disconnected. The loudest message here is that the body, the more primitive aspect of self, wants one thing and the mind wants another. The body is clearly winning. This shouldn’t be a problem, although society has its own ideas about what we should and should not be doing. The message here is a desire to simplify life. A retreat from the daily grind may be necessary. Looking closer at the quote, was the head disconnected after a painful loss? I can more than identify with the desire to stop thinking about someone if it produces painful memories.

{DANGLING}

“Why can’t I try on different lives, like dresses, to see which one fits best?” - Sylvia Plath

I like this particular image because it can be read in several different ways. The first is, of course, a sense of feeling hung out to dry. Another way of approaching the image would be to look more closely at the highlighted item of clothing. The dress is the most prominent piece of outerwear, which could hint that there’s an issue of being hung up on appearance or possibly identity. At a basic level of interpretation, birds are usually symbolic of the social self because they’re not loners. They’re usually in large groups unless they’re a bird of prey. The quote by Sylvia Plath is an appropriate question and shoves the interpretation of the dress towards identity. Is there a message that some of us cannot be social because we haven’t found our flock? It’s no crime to struggle with a sense of identity; all that shit is man-made and can cause as many problems as it solves. Two things now come to mind; the first is there has to be an awareness that the external identity is indeed self-created. The second is other people’s expectations of consistency. Other people, especially those closest, can be incredibly oppressive when deciding on a change of outward persona. This is rarely a conscious act on their part; it’s just humans being humans. It’s easy to feel scared when someone changes because change often brings loss. Unless the person changing is a complete arsehole, we probably won’t want to lose them. When it comes to trying on different lives, people get left behind.

{FORGOTTEN}

“Somebody asked me if I knew you. A million memories flashed through my mind, I just smiled and said: ‘I used to’.” - Unknown

An extremely feminine dress, yet barefoot. Despite missing a head, she holds up a hand mirror. Pine cones litter the floor. The picture to the left could easily be misinterpreted as representing an aspect of vanity. I see how it shows that some of us can struggle with identity; we simply don’t see who we are. The missing face could also indicate an inability to self-reflect productively. The pine is evergreen and, as such, represents immortality. Pine cones are rich in symbolism to many religious and spiritual doctrines. If I take the commonly accepted meanings, their presence in the image symbolises a period of enlightenment and a promise of growth for the future. The quote is interesting when read in context with the photograph. Does the image represent the search for the self? Again, we see the body out in nature. Is there a hidden reference to the nature versus nurture debate? Or maybe an argument between what feels natural and what doesn’t? Or is there a suggestion of trying to find oneself in nature?

{BARREN}

“Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse ― drowning beneath the waves, or dying from the thirst.” - Unknown

Another favourite of mine. I love the pink-red hues on either side of the road. You could almost miss the owl sitting on top of the umbrella, but there’s no chance of overlooking the rain coming down on the inside. The whole body is present with only the head missing; is this a reference to when the body is physically present, but the mind is far away? Is the sadness, indicated by the rain, felt most strongly in the body? Does the absence of the head suggest thoughts are not the problem here, that the origin of the sadness is deeply rooted in the body? The puddle indicates the rain has been coming down for some time, although the lack of footwear tells me there is a need to connect with the feelings as closely as possible. As I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, I slightly mistrust umbrellas due to the limited protection they offer. The umbrella could almost be seen as part of the problem in this image. Does this translate as something normally used as a shield being a source of the attack? The owl (wisdom) sits on the umbrella and could be interpreted as a block between the self and knowledge. Our so-called shields in life are most often a job, relationships, or religion. A shield is anything which offers respite, not just from the harshness of the daily grind but from our ordinary human fears and insecurities. For instance, we might welcome a social life, but at the same time, it brings a whole host of problems if we’re not comfortable being fake. The image could refer to any situation; I need to leave it open enough for you to find your interpretation. What does it mean to you?

{JADED}

“I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.” - Ned Vizzini

Somehow, I feel this image is a little different to the others. The mattress in the open space can say things are missing that are needed to provide physical comfort and emotional security. There’s an indication of a lack of feeling protected when we’re generally able to be at our most secure. The appearance of spiders can mean a multitude of things. A more common interpretation is the need to weave a story for oneself. The complicated approach would be interpreting the whole myth of Arachne. This skilled weaver pissed off the not-so-nice-Goddess Athena. With at least three versions to choose from, the basics are; Arachne was caught bragging about her abilities and ended up in a contest with Athena. Arachne decided to weave a scene depicting the Gods in a whole host of embarrassing incidents. Athena took the hump at her creation and turned her into a spider. Back on planet reality, the Gods can be represented by government, parents, social norms, and anything else which imposes rules and regulations on an individual. The head is still missing; again, I get the impression this is about feelings in the body rather than thoughts. The rocks could be symbolic of the connection to the symbolic mother, the aspects of the psyche handed down through the maternal bloodline, which can be used to build solid foundations for the future.

{ILLUSIONS}

“It’s not always the tears that measure the pain, sometimes it’s the smile we fake.” - Unknown

The dress is a little different here; it’s almost like a maid’s outfit, but the material is shiny and could be one to hit the town in. The right arm is missing along with the head: in earlier pictures, the left side was absent. If the left side represents the female and the right is the male, there may be an unconscious identification that the feminine self puts on the false face. The expectation to look pretty and smile is implicit within many societies. The term resting bitch-face is used with a sardonic tone by women who commonly fail to live up to such expectations. I lost count of the times I’ve been told to cheer up, love it might never happen, and I wasn’t remotely depressed at the time. It took a few years of life before I realised how presumptuous and offensive it is for anyone to assume we should all be walking around with a Pollyanna-like demeanour. We’re still barefoot; we want to connect with what is natural but run the risk of standing on something which will hurt. There is the implication of needing to protect the sole/soul if steps are to be taken in any direction.

{ISOLATION}

“And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in.” - Jane Austin

The image above is my absolute favourite. What I love about it the most is the presence of the snail. It sits in place of the missing upper body and head; it’s positively screaming that something is taking forever. It’s going at a snail’s pace. Everything in the room is decaying. The makeshift bed is no more than what looks like an old door. The broken window suggests work to be done on perspective; the personal view may be partially obscured. Perspective is closely aligned with belief; the broken window could point to a time when personal beliefs were shattered. The fact that some of the glass has been boarded up says the old damage is making it difficult to see everything outside of that room. The snail is an excellent indication of needing to be patient; in place of the head, it could show thoughts being contained, but the container is fragile. There might be a need to stay away from people who wear heavy boots and don’t keep an eye on where they’re putting their feet.

Looking at the collection as a whole makes it easier to see the major themes running through this series of images. What stands out for me is the consistency of the missing parts, most noticeably the head. This makes it easier for others to identify with the message. It could also be said that none of this is personal. What I mean by that is that the medical condition of depression is not personal. It doesn’t seek its sufferers out, and those who suffer with it are not asking to be afflicted. Depression doesn’t arise from being in the wrong relationship or the wrong job. However, these could certainly be aggravating factors for some.

Most importantly, this series of images show signs of hope and positivity. The fuel can in It’s Complicated, the black cat in Withering Away, the pine cones in Forgotten, the owl in Barren, the rocks in Jaded, and the snail in Isolation. I do get the impression the so-called feminine side or expectations around being a woman are at odds with what feels natural. The missing head can indicate being disconnected and even deliberately attempting to shut out thought and memory. In esoteric terms, the mind is referred to as masculine, whereas the body is feminine. I need to point out that I don’t think thoughts are a problem here. No amount of positive thinking is going to make a difference. I wonder about the other side to this. Is there an over-identification with the feminine and, therefore, a need to embrace the more masculine traits? Or is the masculine self just fine and dandy, and it’s the feminine self that needs to be worked on? Is the body trying to tell the mind what’s going on, only to have the mind shut it off completely?

A final note: I’ve chosen these images deliberately to fit my own agenda regarding a specific theme. These are no more than fragments of a complex picture, and that picture is not shown in its entirety here. My interpretations may be far removed from Cheeky Ingelosi’s ideas, intentions and impressions. Offered here are suggestions as to why, as the viewer, we may be drawn to these images.

If you’d like to see more of Cheeky Ingelosi’s work, you can visit her website, which is here, and you can also find her on Facebook.