Stains Don’t Always Come Out in the Wash

Short Thoughts

29 Jul

Written By Quinn

Kasia Derwinska - Summer Cleaning - memories last only as long as we want to keep them.

There were two reasons I was drawn to this image. The first was obvious; I liked the picture. The second was more of a kick in the belly from the cosmos, the ones that leave you wondering what the fuck you did to be taunted so mercilessly by life itself. I felt drawn to the title and the concept; Memories last only as long as we want to keep them. Kasia often shares a video in the comments section when she posts a new picture. Underneath this particular image was a clip to the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; no doubt it was chosen for its subject matter of erasing memory. Although, for me, it just made it all the more personal.

I've long since been a fan of not-even-going-there where memories are concerned. It's rare for me to think backwards, even to the good times. I turned the avoidance of memory into an art form; it was easy when you knew how. Cutting ties when I felt trapped, soulfully imprisoned, or simply sensing a malignant agenda was a fairly common event. It was done out of a perceived necessity to protect my psychic space. I'd often be more concerned about vibes and emotional well-being than I ever was about physical reality. If I felt it, it had to be true. When I felt emotional discomfort because of another person, I did my space-clearing. The best way forward was to disconnect as much as humanly possible. No contact. No holding onto objects of symbolic importance. Absolutely no reminiscing; only thoughts of why I should be glad to be free. I learned the sooner I got a person out of my head, the sooner I was back to normal. Any internal trauma I was experiencing would dissipate once I had control of my thoughts.

Sometimes it would be stupidly easy; if I'd been hurt in any way, I'd go through my ritualistic cleansing with vigour. Emotional clearing for me was always relatively easy, but my head? That fucker is like Alcatraz; the thoughts might get in, but they can rarely escape. The problem for me is that thought provokes emotion...

So, what about that tree inside the machine? I know this specific tree has turned up in other images, so it likely represents a personal memory for Kasia. She has previously mentioned she sees trees as a sanctuary; it could be one that gave her a feeling of security in earlier times. Trees, in general, can mean all kinds of things, and it really depends on the species. When we think of a tree, it isn't usually too long before we think of its roots. They take years to grow and speak of longer passages of time when compared to other objects such as flowers. Washing a tree? Maybe clearing memories which have been in the making for years rather than months or weeks?

Shorelines are always symbolic of the point where emotion meets whatever is real and tangible in life, an extremely positive indicator even if the feeling is dark or toxic. Standing barefoot in the water would indicate an ability to connect with emotion (represented by the water). Notice how only the feet are submerged; the water is clearly not overwhelming to the woman. The feelings here are manageable, and it is not necessary to lose one's footing. The woman is wearing black, and this could point to a period of mourning. The sand beneath her feet could refer to the sands of time or a sense of the ground ever-shifting. There could be feelings of uncertainty, yet this image speaks of consciously engaging with change.

Birds are usually a good indicator of mental activity. Because they're flying towards us, it could indicate thoughts and ideas soon coming to the forefront of the mind. These thoughts will likely help with further detachment, seeing the situation from a higher perspective. Or maybe the ability to emotionally disconnect and lose some of those memories going through the wash. This image feels very positive, or at least it speaks of a positive mental attitude.

The weather looks fantastic for drying. But I’m reminded of an old idiom thrown around like confetti in the place I was raised, Don't worry. It'll all come out in the wash. It was given as a message of hope; whatever the insurmountable problem was, it would be alright in the end. Those old women were wise; it always did turn out okay.

There's loads of personal myth in this picture for me. Years ago, I wrote about washing machines and a connection to relationships. Kasia posted this image a handful of days after he dropped the bombshell that he'd be leaving in two months. I was in the process of acknowledging life would soon be changing. I knew I'd be facing the prospect of letting go of a bucket-load of memory, or I'd run the risk of hankering and lamenting over what I'd lost and what I wished to return. The bloke, who's now gone, was working in Montauk when we met online. And there's a reference to Montauk in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A year and a bit after we met, he moved over. I read a fake Buddha quote only hours after seeing this picture; something along the lines of change is not painful. Only your resistance to change is painful. And it's a good saying, whoever said it first. It was certainly timely, just like the image and film reference.

So, I'll be sitting here working on my resistance to change, knowing that memories only last as long as I keep them. But I can't ignore that sometimes no matter what we do, those stains don't always come out in the wash.

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